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I am Francis the Fabulous

Katie Jones

I am Francis.  I am Fabulous. And I am stuck with this family of nutcases.  Allow me to enlighten you on one of my favorite subjects: me.  As St James Hetfield sang about me, I am the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head, yeah.  Yeah! YEAH!! I have been kicking around this earth, like, since forever. I have been involved in most of the historical, mythical, and fabled events you’ve heard of...and more that you haven’t...yet.  I’ve been blamed for most natural disasters, though I swear my innocence. All terribly terrific tales I’m sure I’ll be able to tell you in future posts.

But, how do I tell you my history, without sounding histrionic, when my history spans greater than the history of your kind?  I have lived, I have died, and I have lived again. I am mortal, except I remember. I remember my invocations, my evocations, and my incarnations….most of the time.  

I guess I should start with this current evocation.  It began with a concept in the mind of the human that forces me to call him “Emperor.” Yes, I’m calling you out Russ!  At this time, I look like a combination of torn up terminator that got the predator trophy treatment, and a sperm (thanks Wren for the great ego boost!).  Dangit! Emperor, would you please quit putting those magnets on my head. Yes, I know it makes a clang. Oh! How easily amused he is.

Emperor tells me that I am the Flavor Flav of the Ohana.  I don’t know what he means, but I’m sure it’s a compliment.  The Emperor always compliments me. He tells me I’m the best therapist he’s ever had.  Besides the cat, I may be the only therapist he’s ever had. And I’m not even a therapist.  

Ah! It’s a great time to be undead.  Why, in no other time period have I been able to maintain a complete conversation in nothing but top 40 song lyrics and dysfunctional Disney quotes.  Although there was that time in that Danish Duke’s dingy den when he and I along with his merry men made merry with copious quantities of marvelous mead and spent the night speaking in nothing but beloved Beowulf quotes.  And dancing! Oh! When I induced so many to dance the wicked dance in Europe in the 14th century. They were gyrating, foaming at the mouth, twisting and convulsing, performing lewd acts. It was glorious and lasted a good two centuries, but then we weren’t dancing gangnam style.  I’ve got to hand that one to you guys. That was all you! No intervention or prodding was needed from us.

Oh dear! No! NO! The Ohana’s lined up on the counter again dancing to “Sexy and I know it” led by Emperor.  If I had eyes I’d be gouging them out right now.

What do you mean, wrap it up, Emperor?  You didn’t tell me you gave me a 500 word hard limit on


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